Not Sure How to Take This

My agent forwards a box of books to me from my publisher. There is no title on the front jacket cover, and only one blurb on the back, from Newsweek. It says, "...possibly the best meatball writing we've seen from a human."

Pookie

We decide to go to Flagstaff for old-time's sake, and also because the state of Arizona will soon close for the next ten years. A hotel manager named Pookie rents us adjoining rooms. "Now I've seen it all," she says mysteriously.

At the Opera

Susan Sarandon is doing some avant-garde performance at the Met. The audience is in the lobby and Sarandon is outside dressed like a sea creature. Sponge-tipped tentacles stream from her body and smear pink paint all over the massive windows.

Brookalona

We are still in Barcelona, only Barcelona is exactly like Brooklyn. "We are so lucky to live here," we say. We have awesome free health care but that seems to be the only difference.

Swimming

Two girls are doing sex stuff to me but all I can think about is that I have to pee. One of the girls is a blonde and one is a brunette. I guess they can detect my lack of enthusiasm because one of them hands me the arts section of the New York Times before they both leave to go swimming.

Utah

I wake up in a car on a mountaintop with two women I don't know. The view is amazing, and I know we are supposed to meet a man somewhere later near the bottom and that he wants us to drive this way so our arrival is particularly majestic. The women are bored and want to drive into town, so I get out of the car to wait; I want to follow the man's instructions to the letter and I convey this by telling them, "I've never been to Utah before."

Four sentences, okay?

My stepmother demands that we leave Barcelona immediately to help her house train her puppy in Texas. As we arrive, she and my dad are getting ready to go on a road trip and they are fighting because she recently shaved her eyebrows off. Dan is there, too, and he is annoyed but sees the humor in the situation and he is happy to talk to us. He is cute and charming and seems so grown-up; when it occurs to me that seeing him is impossible, I resist the urge to ask any questions about his death because I am afraid he will disappear.

More Ink

I am looking at myself in a small mirror when I realize I have a Maori face tattoo covering my nose. It is black and intricate with a spiral pattern along the bridge. I'm not particularly alarmed, I just don't remember getting it.

More Asians

An Asian foreign exchange student goes door-to-door selling a potion to increase goldfish performance. When I put the potion in my aquarium, the fish immediately die. To remediate, the student hands me a voucher to clean my carpet, free of charge.

Three Sentence Dreams Gets Political

We are here.

Weird Science

Ronnie is doing a science project with two really hot Asian women. I totally trust him, but I am a little jealous. The science takes place only in parking garages and only at night.

Dirty Cop

A cop’s tactics are brought into question when a suspect dies during an interrogation. Apparently the cop knocks people’s teeth out with steel beams during questioning. It is unclear why I am involved, but I watch the events unfold as though they are on television; I am disgusted, removed, and ultimately compelled to watch.

Boxer

A boy, possibly my brother, is trying to prove his masculinity by arranging to box a kangaroo. The main event is some months ahead, but he wants to practice by punching random neighborhood dogs. I am furious but helpless against him; I pull on the ties of his red satin boxing robe and beg him not to leave the house.

Spanish Malkovich

At a movie theater, a young John Malkovich tells me my Spanish accent is flawless. "It's not possible," he says, "You must have spent your childhood in Madrid." I am flattered and flushed and the two of us spend the entire movie talking about stunt doubles, primates, and the weakness of the U.S. dollar.

Train

I am on a train to Queens when a rude lady insists that I give her my seat because she lives in Queens and I do not. I make enough room for her to sit next to me and she is suddenly very nice. She talks about how some song rhythms are "in triplicate" and cites Radiohead's "Creep" and Au Revoir Simone's "Fallen Snow" as examples.

Mochila's Class, Coke

1. Mochila is teaching abstinence to 7th graders and I sit in on one of her classes. She plays ragtime music on a keyboard and the students conjugate Spanish verbs in unison. Everyone seems to be having a great time and it's true that nobody is trying to sleep with anybody else.

2. I'm going to summer camp and I am crying because my mom can't go on the bus with me. Though I am an adult, the rest of the campers are pre-teens--this makes me the source of great ridicule. I hold in my hand a cold Coke, and the thought of drinking it upon arrival at the camp somehow gets me through.

Hiccups, Memoir

1. I am at some sort of family reunion/hostage situation. I am being criticized by my (heavily armed) cousins for not having children, and my parents try in vain to defend me. At some point I am overwhelmed by the hiccups and am allowed a medical leave.

2. My dad discovers my short story collection but believes it to be a memoir. He is so shocked and upset about my subject matter that he sits in a corner and cries. I try to explain things to him but I get frustrated and ultimately just call him a bad reader.