Flapples

Natalie Portman and I are trying to figure out where to eat. I suggest a vegan slice at Vinny's Pizza, but NP claims they use the same cooking trays for the regular pizza. I am annoyed that she has taken her veganism this far, and I am also surprised that I never noticed that she has no ears, only little flaps on the sides of her head that open and close when she talks.

Money, Greed

1. We are in an airport that is full of restaurants and bars and drunk people. One of said people is standing in line in front of me and money keeps falling out of his pockets. My first instinct is to take it, but then I feel a sudden moral shift and I dramatically hand him his money (and his Belgian passport, which had also fallen from his pocket).

2. At our neighbor's dinner party, we discover that though we share a floor plan, our living room is 50 feet narrower. We are particularly enraged because they pay $50 less a month. Silently fuming, we eat dinner with the other guests, making eye contact with no one.

Baby Talk

This baby boy I'm taking care of is making these little crab hand movements. Soon, it's apparent that he's doing Morse code. I start to write down what he's trying to communicate but all I get are the words "so there" and I know I've missed the most important part.

Over It

Something about windsocks? And my mom is there but she's basically breaking up with me. "Let's just give this whole thing a rest," she says.

Contests, True Love

1. I'm competing in a ten-key adding machine race. The grand prize has something to do with winning a private train car. All of the numbers on the key pad are switched around, but the judges assure me that if my tape shows sums that are "perfectly wrong" I'll still win.

2. Stephanie tells me she is happily married to a Jamaican basketball player. She is eating dinner at my house, but she keeps checking her watch because she works the late shift as a waitress. As she talks to me, I see an image of her husband blocking her approach to a basketball hoop and the two of them collapsing in the grass and kissing.

Adventure Date

Harry Connick, Jr. (who is about seven feet tall) picks me up at the airport for a date. His Hasidic driver takes us to all of these cathedrals and churches and HCJ hoists me on his shoulders so I can look into the windows. Later, our driver accidentally runs over a baby (it looked exactly like a statue) and a pair of gay lovers (the fathers) chase us down the street.