Sky

There is something wrong with the sky over New York City. The color is off (kind of brownish) and everything is pooling in the middle and blank around the edges. I am frustrated and annoyed because my dad is coming to visit me today and I wanted New York to make a better first impression.

More Dog Responsibilities

I'm in charge of a really big dog* in an Olive Garden. I am supposed to keep it under my table, but it keeps getting away and licking people's salad bowls (the dog's owner warned me that this dog is particularly fond of Olive Garden's salad dressing). Eventually, I exert a sort of mind control over the dog and it shadows my every movement, albeit in canine form.

*It appears to be a larger version of the dog from this dream.

Unprepared

It is the first day of SXSW, and we have done nothing to prepare. We don't know what panels we want to go to, what day parties we should attend, or what time the bands we want to see are playing. We leave midday because I have brought the wrong bag, worn the wrong clothes, and forgotten bug spray.

Bad Decisions, Insults

1. I allow a sorority girl to be murdered by her ex-boyfriend and then I look the other way while he stashes her body in my bathroom (which is refrigerated for some reason). It's unclear why I allow this to happen or why I am involved at all, since I don't know either of them. I understand that the cops are going to call me in for questioning and that I will probably go to jail; it is a huge relief to wake up and not be a criminal.

2. An old Columbia colleague and his pregnant girlfriend are discussing their grocery purchases with me. She drones endlessly about dye-free toilet paper and cloth diapers. At some point my old colleague lights a cigarette and I call him a retard; he is, of course, offended.

A Better Way to Exit

In addition to the traditional Bedford Avenue subway exit, there is also a VIP exit. You have to crawl through a little tunnel and then climb a ladder up to a second platform. There, you can choose from a variety of different snacks and beverages at a buffet before exiting onto the street.

Two Awkward Dreams

1. I do some freelance work for you, primarily addressing envelopes (to you) and proofreading your error-riddled copies of Us Weekly. You pay me in produce coupons for a farmer's market that I know is fictitious. The whole thing is pretty awkward and rather than calling you on it, I take the coupons and leave.

2. My dad and step-mom come to New York with a suitcase full of sugar substitutes (Stevia, if you care). They haven't brought any extra clothes and neither of them are wearing shoes. Even though my dad hates fruit, I decide to cancel our dinner reservations and make smoothies for everyone at our apartment.

The Office

Andy Bernard interviews me for a job. Things go really well and I am offered the position and a high salary. I am so grateful to finally have found something that pays well and uses each of my degrees, but when I wake up I can't remember even the slightest detail about what I would have actually been doing there.

Bad Hedgehog Parents, Double Team

1. Though we both know how important it is to pet our hedgehog every day to socialize it, we realize it has been weeks, maybe even months, since we have touched ours. The cage is all rusty and there is a dirty dishtowel in place of the hedgehog. I am relieved that it at least transformed into an object that doesn't require food, since it would probably be dead by now.

2. My synthesizer is broken, so I take it to a repair shop in Long Island City that also functions as a brothel. One of the female companions offers to do my makeup while I wait for a service technician. She does a great job, but stops when I am only half finished to take a double "date" with Matt Lauer and Joel Brown, a guy I dated in middle school.

Another Health Benefit

I am discussing my new-found vegetarianism with Mochila when she lets me in on a little-known secret: vegetarian women lay eggs instead of having live births. I am shocked, intrigued, and ultimately relieved. On one hand, it's pretty repulsive to lay an egg; on the other hand, so is having a baby.

Always Trying to Impress You

You ask me if I am left handed and I lie and say that I am. I seem to think you will like me more/think I am cooler if I am a lefty. To prove it, I walk kind of curved over to the right and try not to move my mouth when I talk.

Dragged by Clinton's Dogs, Compromise

1. I have a job that is basically like my real job, only instead of assisting a blind author, I assist Hillary Clinton. My primary duties include walking her really big dogs and carrying shopping bags full of auto parts. I am unsteady on my feet because of several unwieldy hubcaps when some passing rodent causes the dogs to go crazy and drag me through a lake of raw sewage in Central Park.

2. I offer to let you live in our backyard, if only because it seems you have been living there for some time already and I don't want to put you on the streets. My primary concern is how the three of us will share the shower and getting-ready time in the bathroom, since you have to be at work at 9:30, too. I devise a schedule where you and Ronnie shower together on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Saturdays, and you and I shower together the remaining days; Ronnie and I have decided to wear bathing suits so you will be more comfortable, but you will be, presumably, naked.

Sentimentality Reserved for Parking Lots

I am pulling into a parking space at a mall when a guy in a white convertible tries to overtake my space and collides with me. I approach him angrily and call him an asshole, but he hugs me. He gives me some new age line about how the universe gives you exactly what you need when you need it; surprisingly, I understand that he is right and collapse into him, sobbing with gratitude.

Unqualified for a Job (again!)

I am supposed to be starring in and directing a cooking show, but no one will tell me what we are supposed to be making or where the camera is. The woman who owns the oven (we are filming on a sound stage) tells me the best thing I can do is to "stick with legumes and rinse everything in cold water." Later, I realize the oven is full of plastic food, so I gather some wedges of cheese and arrange them nicely on a plate.

Therapy

My dad tells me the real reason my parents divorced was that my mom once dated Lindsey Buckingham and wouldn't shut up about it for twenty years. They went to a marriage counselor who gave my mom a little rubber ball to chew on anytime she thought of her exciting past. My dad felt very jealous and ended up chewing the ball himself whenever Fleetwood Mac came on the radio.

Emily

An old friend of mine arranges a meeting at a medieval-themed miniature golf course to reminisce (about our friendship--not medieval times). In the middle of our conversation she tearfully announces that a suspicious mole on her neck was recently diagnosed as basil cell carcinoma. I am totally devastated in spite of the fact that I haven't thought of her once in the last five years.