Break Dancing Baby, Camp Hate

1. There is a really, really cute baby girl break dancing on the wood floor of my in-laws living room. We don't know who she belongs to. Eventually, we get tired of watching her and go to the kitchen to get second helpings of enchiladas.

2. We are at some kind of camp with people that we hate. We have to be participants in a haunted house obstacle course that is sponsored by David Lynch*. After going through the thing three times, we realize nothing scary really happens, so the fourth time we make it through in record speed.

*What the fuck is up with TWO nights of David Lynch dreams in a row? It's like my subconscious is lazy and all, "well, it certainly is strange...David Lynch must be involved."

Feels Like Shreveport, Class of '06

1. Mochila, Stephanie, and I are meeting you for a group vacation in a place that feels like Louisiana, though I have no indication that this is where we are. We are eating at a buffet, discussing what we will wear when we pick you up. Stephanie suggests I wear my David Lynch outfit, which turns out to be a spandex dress in a blue cloud print.

2. A stranger is masturbating very quietly in bed next to me. I understand that this person went to my high school about ten years after I graduated. I pretend to be asleep so as not to disturb him.

Baby Daddy, An Accountant's Life

1. I run into this guy at Whole Foods in Union Square who is kind of a conglomerate of my last two ex-boyfriends. He has this really cute little kid with him, and soon it becomes clear that this is our kid, a kid he had without me somehow. We have a pleasant chat in the produce section and then shake hands and go our separate ways.

2. This dream belongs to someone else, someone more mathematically inclined than I am. There are lots of formulas, tax worksheets, fancy bourbon drinks poured at the end of each workday. You are not there and neither am I.

New Hire

My old job has found a replacement for my position. She is older and really nice and she has this little hollowed-out compartment in her face where she stores a bottle of Afrin nasal spray. The compartment is behind her nose, but for some reason her head is sort of transparent enough that I can see what she has going on in there.

Homeless Penis, Four Stress Dreams about Authority

1. I give a homeless man a dollar. He reaches into his pants and hands me his severed* penis. I say, "Oh, hells no!" and hand it back to him.

2. You and I are eating on the patio of some Mexican restaurant in Texas. You offer me a vial of cocaine, which I politely decline and leave on the tabletop. The police come in shortly thereafter and arrest me while you finish your guacamole and seem unfazed.

3. I am in a counseling center (maybe following the drug bust?) and my counselor is a girl with a pixie haircut and a "What Would Jesus Do?" sweatshirt. I am in some kind of intense therapy where I discuss my choices over the last few years. This is emotionally difficult, made more so by the fact that I am struggling to keep a squirming gerbil in my grasp and it keeps getting away.

4. Ronnie and I are at Barcade and I am writing on the glass of a Ms. Pacman machine with a purple marker. I write "Congratulations, Face! You are weeping!" before a bartender twists my wrist behind me and pulls me into the back room. I am terrified because I know that this bar doles out particularly harsh punishments for vandalism.

5. I am trying to impress you by buying you a trinket at Claire's Boutique in the Collin Creek Mall. "You can have anything you want," I tell you, but you seem uninterested and kind of annoyed. Three masked men come into the store and terrify people for a few seconds; soon it becomes clear they are off-duty police officers doing some kind of mall drill.

*not severed like bloody and violently, more like he just has genitals that are detachable

Because Peter Murphy Says So, Happy Thanksgiving

1. Peter Murphy and I are eating sweet and sour chicken at the China Chalet on my lunch break. I tell him about this dream journal and he tells me the dreamer is always everyone depicted in their dreams* and that he thinks I should try using the second person as much as possible, "so as not to alienate the audience." He tips our waiter with Chick-fil-A coupons.

2. Ronnie, Mark, and I are drinking tequila from a hollowed-out gourd. I am trying to buzz you into our apartment for Thanksgiving dinner, but I keep hitting the intercom button instead. Everyone is frustrated with me and eventually I give up, press my ear to the speaker, and just listen to you breathe.

*Peter Murphy = me!

A Difficult Test, Goth Mochila

1. I have to take an essay test in order to graduate. The questions are extremely difficult. For example: "Did your father ever commit divorce while you were in the next room?" and "Did the 1980 eruption of Mount St. Helens affect you and if so, how?"

2. Mochila is visiting me in New York. She looks very pretty, but something about her appearance is making me uncomfortable. Finally, I ask her why she is wearing a cape and she tells me, "This is Austin-style, and I don't want to talk about it."

Manatees, Subconsciously

1. Since she can't decide what color to paint the exterior of her home, my mom has painted the front of her house an array of colors, including periwinkle, orange, goldenrod, and pea green (at least it seems like it will be pea green - this one hasn't quite dried yet), hoping this may help her decision-making process. I lean toward the orange. Mark and Stephanie stop by my mom's house, and we sit in the living room and discuss stuffed bears, a murderous teacher at Mark's school, and the like.

2. Some sort of natural phenomenon has occurred while I am at work (obviously not that awesome of a phenomenon since I have since forgotten the specifics). To commemorate the event I decide to pick up a souvenir at the local nature store (imagine if Natural Wonders were more like an anchor store at the mall) even though I worry that the store may be too crowded with like-minded shoppers. While shopping, I determine that a bird-feeder will make the perfect Christmas gift for my grandma.

Home Movies, New House

1. Ronnie and I are watching old home movies from when I was a kid. In one scene I'm wearing combat boots and thigh-high fishnets (and I'm about five years old). The thigh-highs are baggy and the backs of my skinny legs are veiny and purple.

2. Ronnie's parents have moved into a new house without telling us. The house is built on the inside of a massive tree trunk, and all the furniture is carved out of the wood and very Hollow Log* (christ, did anyone play with Hollow Log toys? I can't find a link. Did I make them up?). Though the house is beautiful and strange, I am sad that they moved away from their old house in Hurst without telling us.

*I just checked with my mom and the Hollow Log toy exists. She says I used to call it my Hollow Hog.

Cause I'm Hard

I am rap star and my rap name is Silent K. "Like the k in knife," I tell Mochila on the telephone. "Or like the one in knee," she says, unimpressed.

Watersports, Talking Monkeys, Lesbotronic Limousines

1. I am giving Amanda a piggyback ride across the Williamsburg Bridge while she sleeps. She is extrememly light. At various points the perspective shifts and we are in line for a water slide at Wet N' Wild.

2. Amanda and I are at some kind of water zoo in Brooklyn. The seals have human hands and feet and these water monkeys (apes? they have flowing blonde hair and are gibbony) climb the walls of their tanks to get our sandwiches. We are already freaked out when a few of the water monkeys land on the trail in front of us and keep repeating, "I love you," in the manner that a dog can say "I love you" (like in the Beastie Boys song).

3. I am in a limousine with Amanda and an older lady. The older lady is making overtures towards me but I am not interested. I am, however, interested in the pornographic video that is playing on the television in the background (it involves a beautiful girl holding a riding crop).

4. The water monkeys are back! Ronnie and I are in our backyard and two of the water monkeys are cowering in the bushes. Ronnie goes inside to get a can of tuna to lure them out because we worry that our landlord will evict us if he sees them.

Not Kidnappable, it Seems

1. I'm in a UTDallas parking lot, but the place also looks like the parking lot of the apartment complex where I used to live with Dave. A guy in a pick-up truck is trying to give me a ride to class, but I am nervous because I'm pretty sure he's a weirdo. He shows me his license (his name is Royce Stone*) and I agree to ride with him (nothing happens, and I feel guilty for suspecting him of being a weirdo).

*Google was no help.

Little Lord Jack and the French Foreign Legion

1. I am still a receptionist at my old job, but now I'm in charge of ordering office supplies and ant farms. There is a little boy running around making things difficult for me. I call Jim's extension from my speaker phone and tell him "Little Lord Jack needs to cut the shit."

2. I drop my mom and Ronnie off at my graduation ceremony and then drive around looking for a parking space. This dream is extremely realistic and in real time. It may be the most boring dream ever.

3. I am talking to Mark about why he should join the French Foreign Legion. My supporting evidence for this is 1) they give you a new identity and 2) you can consolidate your credit cards into one low monthly payment. I write the French Foreign Legion's website on his bathroom mirror in white eyeliner (ffw.hotmail.com) for his reference.

Damaged Apples, Digging in my Eyeball

1. Chad is selling some kind of impotence-curing tonic at the bar where he works. I go there to hang out and record "the sounds of science" on my laptop. Somehow I end up scratching the bottom of my computer and ripping my jeans while Chad chides me about "the TRUE meaning of Christmas."

2. I am at dinner with Ronnie in some sort of Christian-fundameltalist themed cafe. I am digging in my eye for my contact lens*. Everything is blurry and the table top is wet**.

*I don't wear contacts in real life.
**It should be noted that upon waking my eye was red and swollen, an indication that somnambulist-style digging actually took place.