New Job

1. I'm at work and I'm not wearing pants. I wrap someone's navy blue hoodie around my waist before going into a meeting. "Who here is uncomfortable with this?" my boss asks.

2. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing at work. "Just gather data," a coworker suggests. I make a pie chart that documents the colors of peoples' pants.*

*I'm still not wearing any.

Perks

When you graduate from Columbia, you get a lifetime membership to a water park of your choice. I choose White Water in Arlington, TX. Since it no longer exists, I am given a gift card for a lifetime supply of Dippin' Dots instead.

Life Lessons

I'm taking a class in finance and the first lesson is that if you accidentally strangle someone, all you have to do is put a peach t-shirt on the body to bring the person back to life. I ask the teacher if the sleeve length of the t-shirt matters. "That depends," she says, "on the race of the deceased and how much time you're willing to do."

Stigmata, Wigfur

1. Anna has a little fox in her purse and Ronnie is feeding it honey. The fox yawns and somehow my hand is inside its mouth when it closes. I am bleeding from a puncture wound in the center of my palm, but it doesn't hurt at all.

2. My job is to identify fake hair (wigs, eyelashes, mustaches, etc.) in a group of people who are eating lunch on a terrace. I notice that a boy is wearing false eyelashes and a girl has a hair weave. I relay all of this information to a wigged lady who fills out a form and then stamps it three times.