Adventure Date

Harry Connick, Jr. (who is about seven feet tall) picks me up at the airport for a date. His Hasidic driver takes us to all of these cathedrals and churches and HCJ hoists me on his shoulders so I can look into the windows. Later, our driver accidentally runs over a baby (it looked exactly like a statue) and a pair of gay lovers (the fathers) chase us down the street.

New Job

1. I'm at work and I'm not wearing pants. I wrap someone's navy blue hoodie around my waist before going into a meeting. "Who here is uncomfortable with this?" my boss asks.

2. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing at work. "Just gather data," a coworker suggests. I make a pie chart that documents the colors of peoples' pants.*

*I'm still not wearing any.

Perks

When you graduate from Columbia, you get a lifetime membership to a water park of your choice. I choose White Water in Arlington, TX. Since it no longer exists, I am given a gift card for a lifetime supply of Dippin' Dots instead.

Life Lessons

I'm taking a class in finance and the first lesson is that if you accidentally strangle someone, all you have to do is put a peach t-shirt on the body to bring the person back to life. I ask the teacher if the sleeve length of the t-shirt matters. "That depends," she says, "on the race of the deceased and how much time you're willing to do."

Stigmata, Wigfur

1. Anna has a little fox in her purse and Ronnie is feeding it honey. The fox yawns and somehow my hand is inside its mouth when it closes. I am bleeding from a puncture wound in the center of my palm, but it doesn't hurt at all.

2. My job is to identify fake hair (wigs, eyelashes, mustaches, etc.) in a group of people who are eating lunch on a terrace. I notice that a boy is wearing false eyelashes and a girl has a hair weave. I relay all of this information to a wigged lady who fills out a form and then stamps it three times.

Bum Fight

I have a garbage bag full of my stuff: a toaster, some toast, a pair of earrings. I need to leave my garbage bag unattended on the street and I'm afraid this hobo guy will steal it, so I say, "Don't touch my stuff, asshole." "Who you calling asshole," the guy says, "I'm on the faculty."

Therapy

I'm in a therapist's office, but the therapist seems annoyed that I am there. He keeps looking at his watch and texting people on his phone. Ultimately, he reads aloud from Kevin Canty's A Stranger in this World and tells me to "go process that."

Symbols

I am watching a show on the Discovery Channel about famous artists. The basic point of the show is that artists make art about the symbols that scare them the most. I think this must be true because David Lynch is afraid of the waning moon (and therefore makes movies about fragmented identity) and Joan Didion is afraid of coiled snakes (and therefore writes tight narratives from a female perspective).

Forgotten Dog

We have a dog that we've forgotten about. Apparently, he's been scratching at the back door since we signed our lease last year. "How could this have happened?" we ask, furious with each other.

Goat Culture

We are at a restaurant and the family next to us* is eating an entire goat. The goat is splayed out over the table on a silver platter. I ask you to pose for a picture angled in front of the people's table so I can secretly document the insanity.

*They are Armenian, someone tells me later, and this is their custom.