Prenatal Fun, Accusations

1. My stepbrother's pregnant wife is doing rails of coke off my mom's glass coffee table on Super Bowl Sunday. "Erica," I ask, "do you think you should be doing that?" Annoyed, she says her doctor told her "the thing's brain is already formed," and that I should mind my own business.

2. I am hosting a group of North Korean refugees, one of whom is Julian Casablancas, in my Upper East Side penthouse. Julian wants to sleep in my bed with me but I deny him because I am worried about the other refugees sensing favoritism. Later, someone shits on my pillow, but when I bring Julian in for questioning the evidence is gone, so I apologize profusely.