The New Bird, Saturday Night Taped

1. I chide a teenage boy for talking during a movie about the cursive alphabet (which is, as it turns out, wholly separate from the Roman alphabet). The boy is embarrassed, but his friends encourage him to tell me off. He mimes injecting heroin into his veins -- some newfangled "fuck you" the kids find hysterical.

2. I have been asked to say the blessing on Saturday Night Live. Wanda Sykes hands me my lines, "Cocaine! Shit!" and tells me to ad-lib the rest. She assures me that the show has never, "in the history of moving images," been filmed live.